I wanna see you be brave

I can't stop listening to this song. Not only is it catchy, but it also has a really meaningful message.

♪♫♪♫ Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave. ♪♫♪♫

Bliss

Well, the reality of having finally decided on a college is starting to set in.

I haven't stressed about college this entire week and it honestly feels like I am living in a world of bliss. Thank god I made a decision. I know that this blissfulness will not last forever, I know that most of my future is still unplanned, and I know that there are still piles of stress waiting to be dumped on me. But for right now I'm okay with it.

"Halfway"---Belmont Lights

Hipsta, please

Cue the music.

I saw a glimpse, a shimmer, a shadow

Of something, I had once but since lost

And now I, I've got a feeling that I'm not complete anymore.

            It's 6:30. Doors were said to open at 6 o’clock, and here we were standing in line in 10 degree weather in front of an old architecture building of some sort that was now plastered with concert posters dating back to 10 years ago, thirty minutes after the time we were told we would be let in with our toes most likely frostbit and back of our hands marked with big black X’s just to reinforce the feeling that we were too young to be there. It’s safe to say that the bitter cold was making me crabby.

            Soon after, we are finally let in. People are pushing us in a manner that is probably meant to seem as gentle and as polite as a push can be, but in fact is not gentle at all. I’m pretty sure the place was added on to the side of the building, because the right wall is made out of brick, with windows that looked like they came from the factories that, from what I’ve learned in my years of history class, existed back in the 1950’s. Street lamps lined up along this brick wall glowed dimly in the background. If you didn’t pay attention, you probably wouldn’t even notice this detail. On the staircases and ceilings, bright blue lights were hung up, glowing so brightly that it hurt your eyes to stare at them for over a few seconds. Along the left side of the café was the bar, but I really didn’t pay that much attention to it since I am not allowed to drink anyway.  All I can say is that it was busy. The stage was located at the very back, and was probably the size of three parking spaces. Right behind it hung a sign just as big that had the three words, WALK THE MOON, painted on with bright red, green, and purple paint. The whole place was so hip, with it’s crisp modern decorations but antique and vintage structures.

            With the harmonious melodies of their first song, “Quesadilla,” the concert started. As I looked through the crowd I noticed that although everyone seemed so different, I couldn’t help but wonder whether we were all the same.

            In front of us was a young woman wearing a green dress with pigeons or swans or some type of bird on it, with the tan purse and brown oxfords, standing with a man who I am assuming was her boyfriend since he was holding on to her with his hands on her waist. Although they were touching, they didn’t appear to share any connection at all. They weren’t talking to each other and both of them had dead looks on their faces, appearing as if neither wanted to be here at all.

            There was that other couple, fellow teenagers this time, who took this time to grind and dry hump not only each other, but against others around them as well. I don't think the girl turned around even once to talk to the guy. As one of those people who did get grinded on by them during the concert, I was not very pleased. By all means grind with each other if you please, but do not make this a three way grind with me. I am almost positive that they were using this as a method to get to the front of the crowd. Stay classy, people.

Then there’s that guy who is wearing the navy blue tank top that is obviously a t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, who is meandering his way through the crowd, carrying little jars of various bold colors of paint, asking anyone and everyone whether they wanted warrior face paint. Faces were being smeared with globs of red, blue, and purple, all around me.

Almost everyone was acting drunk, although I’m willing to bet that over half of them hadn’t even had a sip of alcohol due to the fact that I could see black X’s on hands all around us. I don’t understand what it is about concerts, but they bring out the craziest side of people. Maybe that’s what makes it fun, everyone doing what they want, not giving a shit about what others think of them, belting out the lyrics at the top of their lungs, and jumping up and down, fist pumping, and dancing as if our lives depended on it.

The set that was prepared by the band was made to pump up the crowd and bring everyone together.  Their last song, or technically their encore, “I Can Lift a Car”, has staccato beats mixed with a steady rhythm, designed to motivate you and get you hyped up. Everyone was singing, or rather screaming, with as much gusto as they could muster, “All by myself, all by myself. I can lift a car up, all by myself!” This ended the concert flawlessly, with the crowd acting as one, yearning for more, but satisfied none the less. 

I couldn’t tell if the people in the crowd with me were there because they cared for music and genuinely wanted to see the band, if they were only there to appear as so called, “hipster”, or if they were just looking for somewhere to go on a Friday night. I was there because I honestly loved the band, and have since the end of summer. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being proud that I had discovered this small band, which until recently, was just a band whose music only appeared in the deepest corners of YouTube. It was as if I was in on a secret that only a few people knew, and I loved it.

From what I’ve seen, being hipster is the new main stream. Everyone wants to have their own sense of style, their own look, music taste, and ideas of fun. It seems that everyone wants to be unique, but in doing so, everyone is one and the same. I can’t help but to wonder where all the individuality is now.

Cue the music.

I saw a glimpse, a shimmer, a shadow

Of something, I had once but since lost

And now I, I've got a feeling that I'm not complete anymore.

Decisions, decisions (Part 2)

I posted this about 8 hours before my Decision made post when I was still confused about which college to go to, but somehow I deleted it...and since I already made a college decision, this is kind of irrelevant. However, I really like what I have written so I am going to post it anyway. There's no law saying I can't.

*****

I lied. I said that I was going to post at least once a week. That was three months ago and since then I have posted, um, zero times.

To be honest, I just haven't had the time or motivation to post. Whenever I think that maybe I should write something, my mind tells me that I should be doing something more worthwhile (like studying for ochem). Otherwise when I do have free time while I am at home, I usually spend it doing the oh-so-important tasks of snapchatting or sitting around accomplishing absolutely nothing. 

Recently, I have been going through one of the hardest times of my life. I try my best to keep a happy exterior but I don't know how much more I can take. With college decisions, classes down at the U, and other stuff that I'm not even going to get into right now, I have found myself slowly falling apart. While I couldn't be more excited to go to college and start the next chapter of my life, a part of me is worried about how I am going to make it there without mentally breaking down. 

Just the mere thought of college sends me into a world of stress. And since college is what I mainly think about nowadays, I am basically constantly stressed. It's starting to hinder my ability to function like a normal, sane person.  I thought that I would know where I'm going to be spending the next four year of my life by now. You would think that by only applying to two schools, I would have made my decision so much easier than most of my peers. But it's not. In fact, I sometimes wonder whether or not my peers are analyzing their decisions as much as I am. I have compared a million different factors and still have not come to a conclusion.

I was accepted to both the U and Madison in November. Do you hear me? NOVEMBER. As in four months ago. I really don't think that the decision should be this difficult. 

My heart says to go to Madison but my head tells me to go to the U. The U is more logical in so many ways, except my heart sinks every time I think about missing out on going to Madison. On Friday it came to the point where I started crying bawling because I knew that going to the U would be the responsible thing to do for the sake of my family. This was a low point for me, and I'd like to blame the tears on hormones. Before this, I thought that maybe I could suck it up and settle for the U. However, after the episode on Friday, I realized that I would not be truly happy going there. I go there everyday so I know what the feel of the campus is, I know what the classes are like. And I don't love it anymore. Maybe this is a selfish thing to say, but I thought college was supposed to be MY four years. I want to start it being happy and excited, and I just don't think that I will feel that if I choose to go to the U. 

Ask me right now where I want to go. That's easy to answer. Madison for sure. But ask me where I think I should go...That I'm not so sure about.

Like I said before, we'll see what happens. For real this time. 

Decision made

It's funny how things can change in such a short amount of time. Five hours ago, I was still undecided about college. Now I have confirmed my enrollment at UW Madison. I cannot stop smiling, so I know that I made the right decision.

Go Badgers :)

End of the year resolution

I officially suck at blogging. Ever since the school year started, I've posted once. But now that I'm on winter break, and will be half on winter break until the end of January, I'm going to make it a personal goal to blog at least once a week. It shouldn't be that hard, right? That's what I'm going to tell myself.