Sunday, March 24, 2013

Decisions, decisions (Part 2)

I posted this about 8 hours before my Decision made post when I was still confused about which college to go to, but somehow I deleted it...and since I already made a college decision, this is kind of irrelevant. However, I really like what I have written so I am going to post it anyway. There's no law saying I can't.


I lied. I said that I was going to post at least once a week. That was three months ago and since then I have posted, um, zero times.

To be honest, I just haven't had the time or motivation to post. Whenever I think that maybe I should write something, my mind tells me that I should be doing something more worthwhile (like studying for ochem). Otherwise when I do have free time while I am at home, I usually spend it doing the oh-so-important tasks of snapchatting or sitting around accomplishing absolutely nothing. 

Recently, I have been going through one of the hardest times of my life. I try my best to keep a happy exterior but I don't know how much more I can take. With college decisions, classes down at the U, and other stuff that I'm not even going to get into right now, I have found myself slowly falling apart. While I couldn't be more excited to go to college and start the next chapter of my life, a part of me is worried about how I am going to make it there without mentally breaking down. 

Just the mere thought of college sends me into a world of stress. And since college is what I mainly think about nowadays, I am basically constantly stressed. It's starting to hinder my ability to function like a normal, sane person.  I thought that I would know where I'm going to be spending the next four year of my life by now. You would think that by only applying to two schools, I would have made my decision so much easier than most of my peers. But it's not. In fact, I sometimes wonder whether or not my peers are analyzing their decisions as much as I am. I have compared a million different factors and still have not come to a conclusion.

I was accepted to both the U and Madison in November. Do you hear me? NOVEMBER. As in four months ago. I really don't think that the decision should be this difficult. 

My heart says to go to Madison but my head tells me to go to the U. The U is more logical in so many ways, except my heart sinks every time I think about missing out on going to Madison. On Friday it came to the point where I started crying bawling because I knew that going to the U would be the responsible thing to do for the sake of my family. This was a low point for me, and I'd like to blame the tears on hormones. Before this, I thought that maybe I could suck it up and settle for the U. However, after the episode on Friday, I realized that I would not be truly happy going there. I go there everyday so I know what the feel of the campus is, I know what the classes are like. And I don't love it anymore. Maybe this is a selfish thing to say, but I thought college was supposed to be MY four years. I want to start it being happy and excited, and I just don't think that I will feel that if I choose to go to the U. 

Ask me right now where I want to go. That's easy to answer. Madison for sure. But ask me where I think I should go...That I'm not so sure about.

Like I said before, we'll see what happens. For real this time. 

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